I spent so much time putting you back together
just for someone to come along and rip each stitch I sewed
apart
In parts of you I had never known existed
I planted flowers where holes once were
he dug them up
the holes bigger than before
New pain has found its home
old pain resurfaced,
so I did what I know best
I grabbed my sewing kit
reached inside my chest
and began stitching you back up
In hopes that this will be the very last time I have to do so
I am afraid you are so far gone that even now I could never find you
Sometimes I see you in the eyes of the ones I love
but I do not see you in my eyes
where you belong.
I didn’t see you last night when he touched my leg
and kissed my cheek
I didn’t see you when he was kind
or when all he wanted was to be close to you
I saw you slipping away in each moment
quicker than the last
I didn’t see you on the drive home
when you should have been all smiles
because this is what you’ve wanted after all
wasn’t it?
What frightens me the most is that
I don’t see you when I look in the mirror
I am so heart broken
and it’s all my fault
In all ways I am kind, and empathetic. If there is anything about myself I am sure of, it is that. I have always sacrificed my own happiness to make sure that everyone else does not suffer the cost. In doing so I have lost myself terribly along the way. I am in far too deep and I keep trying to climb out, but I continue to fall back into who I have become. I feel so drained and absent from everything and everyone. I hate who I am sometimes, but I try to give myself the benefit of the doubt; For I have not always been this way. I will not concede, I must find her again. Thing is, I no longer know where to find her and I fear that she is long gone by now. There are times, like today, where I see her in my actions towards certain individuals that remind of who I was. I see her in certain mood swings I have and I try so hard to make them last, but they never do. I have been calling out. I have been screaming my own name through each corridor. I have been asking strange faces where she has disappeared to but they just stare blankly and continue on their journey. While I am stuck here without her. How can I even manage to go on? I have been trying to save every last piece of her. Talking to God. Please save us.
You will never forget the way you felt in that exact moment. From this point on your days will be consumed with comparing everything and everyone to what you thought you had, but did not, with him. It is the harsh reality of a one sided love. And because of this you will continue to look for him in every passing face. Right or wrong you still yearn for his presence. Although he is not going to return you still have a glint of hope. If he has taught you anything, it’s that he is great at walking away whenever he pleases and damn good at waltzing back in as if nothing had ever happened, as if he was never gone.
While learning you
I lost myself between the blurred lines
By searching for you
I could no longer be found
And when I lost you
I knew I’d never return quite the same
It occurs overtime
The thoughts circling in your head never reach the half point of a doubt
You are so sure of yourself
and with that power you can do most anything
It isn’t until something small occurs
a 1 on the richter scale to your tiny, little world
the smallest of lightning bolts strike your heart
And under all of this unpredicatable weather in the air
your enormous smile begins to shrink
and crack
With each shift of the tectonic plates
and each storm of rain
you reach the point of no return
It occurs overtime
The thoughts circling in your head stretch over the line of doubt
There is not a day that goes by where you do not question every little thing you do
The power you once had long ago has been replaced with kryptonite
All of the small things that have occurred
now amount to much more than just the Richter scale
Your world has advanced beyond your control
The bolts no longer cause any pain to your soul
they have paralyzed you
The sun does not remember how to shine
Even the rain refuses to fall from the sky
The muscles in your lovely, sorrowful face
fail to pull up the corners of your mouth any longer
none of this is your fault
you did not even see it coming
For as I said before
It happens overtime
(The songs I choose to include have similar meanings to the poems I write. The poems are not written based off of the songs, they simply just remind me of the things I have written. I attach the songs because music is an art created by poems.)
Song: Paralyzed by NF Lyrics
Brenna's Brain 